Confusing.

 

   I'm just frankly confused about myself.

   I mean I used to have pretend cookouts for my dolls and Teddy's and it was a easy thing to do but it's not anymore.

I had to feel around to get everything together.

I had to guess if that pretend light was on or not.

Mostly I wanted to get a picture of my cookouts for a friend but.... I'm in the dark mostly.

Mostly........... but less so than one would think because I know more or less where I put everything last time and my Teddy lives in my bed and the doll, Sadie Grace she was with some doll friends in the corner where I put her last.

I'm having a more difficult time than people think.

They think I'm really adjusted but what's adjusted????

I don't like not being able to see. 

I manage okay.

There is one thing that no longer bothers me, I do indeed have a braille Bible and I can easily read it whenever I want.

I used to be confused as to why I couldn't see my Bible any more...I don't know why but I immediately thought perhaps God was mad at me.

Braille is different than reading you know, it's more beautiful it's colorful... it's literally like a drug. I haven't heard about anyone else experiencing such a thing..... sometimes I read it so much my fingers callus.

Is this bad?

Is this my way of trying to find more light?

I am desperately confused about myself.

Rather strange things to go through I suppose?

Shiva

 So I haven't been well,

More so than usual because I caught the flu or something.

It takes me quite awhile to get over that sort of thing and on top of it there's

the seizures........

And today part of me broke inside.

I was sent an email last night to sit Shiva for someone I never knew yet effected my life.

Times are strange and unfortunate, it was through Zoom.

How do you even sit Shiva through zoom?

My Mom said she found the idea completely disrespectful and had no idea how it was going to work.

Well I guess I didn't have to worry about it, I ended up in seizure land.

I'm not sure what to do about this.

My Mom said they will probably email in a week or so about where we can send a card or letter.

I hope I can do something.

Life is ever so complex.

Helen

 

 From wearing a dress , the same dress 100 days straight last summer I made a lot of online friends. This is Helen, she was a gift from one of those friends.

I named her Helen because I had a Aunt Helen that I never knew, she and my Mom were close. She had the dark hair like me that isn't common in my family, unless you are old......I mean the kids are blonde for the most part or a little red headed but not me....bald or brown but kinda red sometimes.

This has been a secret blog you know for the most part,

I mean if anyone tried very hard they could find it. I'm struggling with very serious and scary stuff but I don't think it's appropriate to tell my secret blog

I don't get many views however sometimes you can't talk about certain things....or your not supposed to.

I'm fighting really hard to hang in there.

But look, it's really nice I found friends when I didn't expect it.

I am a collector of dolls , and I don't plan on outgrowing it Either!

Hehehe...... even if it freaks out people. My dolls are simply dolls and I am very fond of them.

Yeah things are going to be okay, no matter what happens I know it's in God's hands.

I Feel Like I Am Stuck In Reverse....

 Welcome to the wild wicked world of seizures, you travel forwards but in a way it's reverse. Your friends grow up and move away, they have kids and husbands .......but you got stuck, all that traveling forward made you miss so much you didn't quite change the same way.

 I don't know what I think of it all.... but I do know that I have a headache the size of Alaska! Yeah, it's bigger than Texas.

I'll just be rolling onwards.

Oh I Am Mad.

 I had to purchase a new tablet if I wanted to continue with the digital world and.... My last one wasn't very old but I had to find one in the same format because I operate on my own memory instead of sight for the most part.

I have been not doing well, I can't seem to get over a stomach bug.

Oh but I am happy...... because grandpa is getting better!

I have read so much braille I literally have calluses on my fingers so I better get over this bug!

It's Been Difficult, I Continue Onwards

  Soooooo...... lots of seizures, epic ones, times of vomiting and just being out of sorts. I hate Gastroparisis or however it's spelled! I do hate seizures and just just just......I am really struggling with not being able to see honestly.

My hair after five years has finally grown enough that I feel properly covered to go without a wig or a hat , I am glad about it and a little surprised.

Not everything is bad I am...... humanly frustrated.

I am afraid because my grandpa broke his neck, but he is a strong man.

I read my Braille Bible and I pray.

I pet the dog and line up my dolls like I do.

I don't know what to do with myself as much, can't respond to letters so well anymore and I am amongst the tribe of the paper people and I love it truly however I cannot see what I write.

I love my grandpa.

I leave it to God.

She Smiled Away But She Wasn't Okay....But Smiled Away Because She Could

  Pain , seizures, a fall, Botox because of Dystonia and somehow there's a happy place?

 Smiling, laughing why???

I quite frankly don't know.

A car ride? No.

I like the doctor..... and he knows who Robert Liston was.

That's cooler than cool.

Yes, perhaps that's a lot of it.

My cousins did visit me before they left.

Plenty of reasons to smile really.

And when I finally came home gifts from friends were waiting in the mail.

Seriously there are things that lessen pain, and joy is something intoxicating.